we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
