her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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