He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
