I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
