You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink