The maid of honor just puked.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."