Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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