You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
