i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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