I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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