I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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