oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
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VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This is classic penis vs brain.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
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I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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