he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
