I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
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It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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