my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
