NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
