Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
