I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
