he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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