i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
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I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
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i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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