She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
