If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
