I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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