dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
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Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
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Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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