I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
