im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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