I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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