I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
