I just threw up on my dentist
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
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I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
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I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants