At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
