you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
