Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
