My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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