My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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