i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
