would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
