So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
