I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
