Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Life is so much better after having sex.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
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when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
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I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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