i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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