i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
