The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We need a shit load of segways right now
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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