the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..