The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high