So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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