i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
