I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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