Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
