You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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