this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
