sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
