Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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