Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
