Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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