I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
