The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
