Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He has the fingertips of a God
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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